Depressed, Again.

It's raining outside. A typhoon is drenching the city, Frank daw pangalan. Same name as my first girlfriend. Francesca, pero ayaw patawag ng Iska. Frank. Upak ang isasagot sa iyo pag tinawag mo siyang Iska, Francesca, or Frances.

Why do I find myself like this when it rains? Nostalgia brings on a flood of memories that in the past would have made me smile. Now it just makes me want to hole up in the sofa and watch some Indian Bollywood film. Ganun katindi ang tripping ko pag depressed.

I miss Althea. I think her absence from this apartment makes the rainy nights more unbearable.

Dati, we'd find ourselves in bed or reading novels together pag umuulan. Pa-deliver lang ng food, tapos balik to whatever we were doing. Minsan, usap about anything and everything. Minsan, scrabble, or chess. Umuulan din nun nung pinagusapan namin yung pagpunta niya sa States.

In between thinking about my current life, and my history, lagi andoon si Althea. Siguro, yun yung curse of loving someone you grew up with. Walang part ng buhay mo na wala siya, walang time na hindi siya kasali. Lahat napagawayan niyo na, napagusapan niyo na. Which made her leaving even more difficult, kasi for the first time, gagawa ako ng memories na hindi siya kasama, except as a postscript at the end of the day when you email or call her to tell her about all the wonderful things na nagawa mo that day, or nangyari that day. Yun lang. Whereas before, lahat ng plano mo kasali siya. Kung wala siya, buti pa icancel mo na lang.

Ito ang problema sa Pilipinas. Kung di ka namamatay sa init ng panahon, namamatay ka sa depression.

introductions! introductions!

most people would find my situation incredible. i live in one of the poshest condominiums in one of the most upscale addresses in the city. i am a lawyer. but, i am what you'd call a public defender. i do court time, write hundreds of pages of legal brief, day in and day out, and i accept live chickens as payments. i work for the poor and accused, yet at the end of month, all i have to show for it is a measly check, and some bundles of vegetables.

you ask how, then, do i get to live in a pad that's obviously worth more than what my bosses would rake in, even with those extra perks that would make their lifestyle checks all the more dubious? simple. a successful girlfriend.

i have absolutely no qualms about saying that my girlfriend pays for much of the monthly rent at our place. i pay for the utilities, the maintenance, and the monthly groceries. we rented this place two years ago, when we were both in the same company: i was a corporate junior lawyer (even without passing the bar yet), and she was a property consultant.

two years passed, and she's in new york, while i ply my trade in a rundown government office with no centralized airconditioning and with barely adequate plumbing (well, most of the time, at least).

about a year ago, almost defeated by depression and questions of machismo and egoism, i offered to let the place go. she flatly refused, saying that a place like ours would be hard to come by. i told her i couldn't afford even half of the rent, and she offered to pay for it. so basically, i'm just bumming around her place, service as its katiwala while she's abroad.

so there, i think i've humiliated myself enough. it's raining outside, and my place is warm. i love this place, if only for the centralized air conditioning that proved to be my daily perk during the last summer. the friendly guards help you out too, they're actually fun to talk to late at night. it would be perfect, if only i could figure out where to put those damned chickens without disturbing the neighbors.